The top 10 Best Lois Quotes
The 10 Best Lois Quotes
10. Peter Griffin: We all know that no women anywhere wants to have sex with anyone and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is just bogus.
Lois Griffin: Ah, he is so right on. Women are such teases. That's why I went back to men.
9. Chris: Can I go now? Stewie's gonna help me with my math homework.
Lois: Chris...he can't help you with your homework, he's just a baby!
Stewie: And I guess you're a Rhodes Scholar yourself. Where did you graduate from again, the University of DUH?!?!?
Max Weinstein:I'll help you with your homework son.
Peter: My God!!! Is there nothing you people can't do, except you know... manual labor???
Lois: What a horrible thing to say! They built the pyramids!
8. Lois: Oh, look, Meg, it's your little baby booties. Oh, and your little bronze hat. And your tail.
Meg: My what?
Lois: Nothing.
7. Lois: I just wish my opinion mattered to you.
Peter: Well, the important thing is, it matters to you, and that's the greatest gift of all.
6. Lois: Peter, I'm off to my book club, don't forget you have to go to the PTA meeting.
Peter: Me? Go to a PTA meeting? What are you high?
Lois: Nah, not anymore, I crashed hours ago. By the way, we are out of chips, cookies, and funny bones. Now, I'm going to my book club and you are going to the meeting.
5. Man: Wow, Lois Griffin, Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter: Now listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding melons.
Peter: Oh
Man: And her hooters aint bad either.
Peter: Now hold on a second.
Lois: Peter! I'm holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem .
(pause)
Man: Your wife's hot.
Peter: Alright that's it!
4. Cleveland: Quagmire slept with Loretta?
Lois: Oh my God, Cleveland! I am so sorry! I can only imagine what your going through right now.
Cleveland: Its okay.
Brian: It's ok? It's okay to be betrayed by your wife and best friend?
Cleveland: Better that it's Quagmire than someone who she could get a disease from.
Lois: Cleveland, don't you see this is why your wife left you. You don't have enough passion. Sometimes a woman wants to see a man be a man. You gotta push back a little. (Lois starts shaking.) You gotta get a little rough. OH GOD!!!!!! (Pulls down pants and lois bends over.) Peter HIT ME!
Brian: YEEAHH! (Slaps Lois' butt.)
(Awkward silence.)
Brian: So...yeah...
3. (Joe falls out of his chair and is about to fall farther into the sewer when Lois catches him.)
Lois: I can't hold on much longer!
Joe: Lois, pretend I'm one of your children!
(Joe starts to slip)
Joe: Not Meg!
(Lois pulls Joe to safety)
2. Lois: I care about the size of your penis as much as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter: Oh my God! (runs off crying)
1. Brain: Ugh, I can't believe you're serving a three year sentence, it seems so harsh.
Lois: Well, the only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I guess I was stealing' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...
Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois:...and I was trying' to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects, and things...
Quagmire: Oh God!!!
Lois: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things filling' that hole.
Quagmire: Oh God!!!!!!
Lois: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
10. I Dream of Jesus
Bird, Bird, Bird is the Word
(Family Guy season 7 episode 2) Peter gets the song "Surfin' Bird" Stuck in his
head, and keeps singing it all the time. The family gets really annoyed and Brian and Stewie destroy the record "Office Space" style (which I found pretty hilarious). Peter goes off to look for the record and meets Jesus. He becomes close friends, but when the world finds out that Jesus is back, Jesus eventually can't handle his celebrity status and decides to comeback in another 1000 years.
9. Simple Rules For Buying My Teenage Daughter
Peter Sells Meg to the Goldmans
(Family Guy season 4 episode 8) The episode begins with a funny exchange where Meg is babysitting Stewie who after a short awkward silence
asks her "have we met?" Then Neil Goldman, who likes Meg, walks in the house trying to get her to go out with him and we get a flash back (typical Family Guy) in which Meg goes on the "Everybody Loves Raymond" sitcom and says that she hates Neil. On with the story, Peter goes to the pharmacy (owned by Neil's father) but doesn't have the money to buy what he needs so he opens a tab. Since he thinks that he can now buy everything for free, he goes on a ridiculous shopping spree in the next few days and ends up owing a lot of money. To pay of the debt, Peter sells Meg, who now has to work as a slave to Neil. Meanwhile, Stewie gets a new babysitter whom he falls in love with. But it turns out that she has a boyfriend, so he locks the boyfriend in the trunk of Brian's car (and forgets about it). He then frames his babysitter by making it look like she took drugs and had a party at the Griffin's house (which he regrets because it turns out that she made him a mix-tape).
8. Emissions Impossible
Quagmire Baby Sits
(Family Guy season 3 episode 11) Quagmire babysits Meg, Chris, and Stewie 
while Peter accompanies Lois on a visit to her pregnant, newly single sister Carol. When Carol goes into labor, Peter drives her to the hospital (stopping to get drive-thru on the way). Carol's obstetrician, Dr. Hartman mistakenly jabs himself with several needles, and faints, leaving Peter to deliver the baby himself. Reminded of the experience of childbirth, Peter tells Lois that he wants to have another child. Lois gleefully tells the rest of the family, but Stewie feels threatened in his position as the youngest and resolves to prevent the conception of another sibling.
7. Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater
Lord Griffin of the Cherrywood Manor
(Family Guy season 2 episode 1) Louis' aunt dies and leaves her the Charrywood 
Mansion. Peter sells their old house so that the family can live at the mansion. After a short time, Peter gets upset at the fact that Lois' family keeps making fun of him because of his bad manners, so Brian teaches him how to be a gentlemen. Peter starts thinking that he is a billionaire and creates the Lord Griffin persona, who buys a vase for $100,000,000. Since he doesn't have that money, he has to figure out a way to make the Charrywood Mansion worth this much. He finds out a secret that makes the house very valuable allowing him to pay off the vase and buy back their old house.
6. Chitty Chitty Death Bang
Stewie's 1st Birthday
(Family Guy season 1 episode 3) It's Stewie's 1st birthday and Lois wants 
this to be perfect so she reserves a party at Chuck E Cheeses. However, Peter messes everything up and lies to Lois that he can do a better party than Chuck E Cheeses because he can get a petting zoo and other cool stuff, which is just typical Peter. Meanwhile, Meg ends up joining a cult thanks to her new "cool" friend and Stewie tries to assemble an army to fight against the "men in white". The end was also pretty funny when Stewie was blowing out the candle on the cake, he wanted to first wish for world domination but then decided to wish for a funky 70's disco-style party.
5. Family Gay
Peter Becomes Gay
(Family Guy season 7) Peter buys a crazy retarded horse, then decides to 
enter him into the annual horse race under the name Till Death. His horse ends up leaving the track and causing 100,000 dollars worth of damage. Peter decides to get a second job, where he becomes a scientific experiment. Given the gay gene peter leaves the family for his new gay partner Scott.
4. Spies Reminiscent of Us
Adam West is a Secret KGB Spy
(Family Guy season 8 episode 3) Peter has to go to the bathroom but all of them are busy, so he starts going to the bathroom at the now dese
rted Cleveland's house. After a few days( a funny montage of him going to Cleveland's bathroom everyday), the house is sold to Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd. Brian and Stewie go to the house and find out that Chevy and Dan are spies and are looking for a KGB "sleeper agent" who is activated by a phrase "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet." It turns out that Adam West (mayor of Quahog) is the spy. Brian, Stewie, and the actors follow him to Russia (where all citizens are bears on unicycles). Vladimir Putin wants to help because it'll be embarrassing for the world to find out about sleeper agents. West launches a nuclear missile at the U.S, but Dan is able to save the day by aiming it high above the Earth's atmosphere.
3. E Peterbus Unum
The Land of Petoria
(Family Guy season 2 episode 18) Peter wants to build a pool in his back 
yard but, since there's a power line going through the property, he needs mayor's permission. While at the mayor's office, it turns out that Peter's house is not a part of the U.S, so he makes it his own country, Petoria. Peter wants to earn respect of other countries, so he takes Joe's pool which is considered as an act of war by the U.S. After enduring hardships of being surrounded by the U.S army for a few days, Peter finally decides to put up the white flag, and ends up with no leverage during the negotiations.
2. PTV
Peter vs FCC
(Family Guy season 4 episode 14) This episode probably has the funniest 
intro (every episode has an intro before the theme song), in which Osama bin Laden tries to make one of his tapes but can't because everyone keeps acting funny but then Stewie comes out of nowhere and kills everyone and then drives back home in his trike (running over Homer Simpson in the process). In the actual episode, the FCC starts censoring every little thing on TV (and later real life) because of a wardrobe malfunction at the Oscars. Peter can't stand this so he starts his own TV station. Soon the FCC closes him, so he goes to Washington where he convinces everyone to stop the censoring because all of our great memorials can be seen in a very dirty fashion as well. Also in the middle of the episode Peter does a pretty funny musical number about the FCC.
1. Da Boom
Aftermath of Y2K
(Family Guy season 2 episode 3) Lois wants to go to a New Years Party but Peter locks the family up in the basement because of Y2K. He ends up being 
right, nuclear warheads go up (all of them together look like the phrase "Happy New Year" on the radar) and explode the U.S. After dust settles the Griffins go on a journey to find food and shelter. Peter remembers that only a Twinkie can survive a nuclear holocaust so they travel to the closes Twinkie factory. On the way there Stewie turns into an octopus. They start their own town near the Twinkle factory. But it goes horribly wrong mainly because Peter makes everyone pick jobs out of a hat. After countless other mistakes the family is ran out of town. But as soon as they did that, the eggs that Stewie laid hatched and killed everyone. This episode is also famous for featuring the first of many hilarious over the top Peter vs Giant Chicken fights.
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